We’ll all be forgotten
A path to self happiness led to a path to self-destruction. To be honest, I can’t see myself lasting another year. Over the past year and a half I’ve gone from 160lbs to barely 80lbs. I’ve isolated myself from the world and people I found myself closest to without reason.
It started as a healthy journey. Wholeheartedly, I wanted to become happy.
The more I find myself wishing to turn back time it’s like my feet begin walking further away without notice.
I really miss everything to death. I feel trapped and suffocated… Now just having the will to get out to bed each morning is becoming more and more difficult. Now that I’ve settled with the hand I’ve been dealt it’s like I’ve lost hope. I’m painfully aware how selfish I sound but it’s like one day I woke up and lost interest in everything.
I go to sleep wishing to god just to take me, I live as if it’s more like a sentence of punishment for breathing.
So many people would give anything to have more time and yet here I am.
After how bad my health has been lately, I’m wondering if I’ll even last for Christmas. I almost blacked out again today and while trying to stay conscious while trying to make myself seem fine I was biting my lip not to tell my mom I love her.
I need to stop doing this to myself.
Every time I try to reach out to the only people who I could turn to it’s like I suddenly get scared. I really can’t stand the thought of people I care about seeing me like this. I feel scared to death of me ultimately hurting them but in reality I’m doing harm to both myself and everyone else.
I want a time machine.
A part of me felt like it shattered when I got on the scale a few days ago.
Am I really alright?
The past few weeks I’ve been growing endlessly annoyed over the people who kept mentioning and noticing my weight loss saying how I shouldn’t lose anymore and asking how I’ve lost so much. I would always reply pretty much the same saying I won’t lose much more, just a bit more then I’ll stop.
The other day I was shocked over how I was 93lbs fully clothed.
I don’t know why but it felt like I got slapped in the face with the reality that regardless on how far I go and what degree I end up at, it will never be enough. The “Just a bit more” will never end. It’ll always be insufficient.
I was completely in disbelief that I even tried it once more and my friend got on the scale to make sure it was right.
I still don’t want to admit I have a problem I can’t control. I know I have one but… it’s just difficult. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of worrying about it, I’m tired of everything. But at the same time it’s like it’s second-nature. As if it’s gotten to such a degree that it’s something that’s grown too familiar.
I, a person would could never understand this behavior, am now suffering from this. I’m not happy, I can’t even tell anyone in my family I’ve dropped this low because of how unhealthy I am and how I know they’ll react.
I’m really starting to fucking hate myself.
Collar bones are visible, hip bones are visible, rib cage is visible, thigh gap is there, even my spine is showing… I know I’ve lost weight and I can see it but at the same time it’s almost a feeling as if it’s not mine. Like It’s not my body. I can’t stand knowing regardless of how much effort is given or motivation and drive there is, it will always be “Just a bit more” I went from a size 14-15 to a size 2-3, thrown out my whole wardrobe because nothing fits, and it’s still not enough. It’s really fucking frustrating. I keep getting told “You shouldn’t lose anymore, you don’t want to look anorexic” I see it, but I don’t acknowledge it.
I’ve always had issues with my body image since very young. It was almost like it was programmed in my mind that if I’m not good enough, I’m not worth anything to anyone. Being overweight would constantly make me feel overall completely unwanted. I have body issues, insecurities, flaws and this paranoia of people in a sense, being embarrassed by me regardless if it’s being with me or knowing me.
It’s ridiculous because I know generally most people won’t judge a person based on weight or looks unless it’s a huge factor but I just… I honestly cannot see myself in a different light. I don’t care about the way others look but I’m so harsh on myself. It really sucks because I know how corrupted my mind is on this topic of self body image. I say things such as “I’m doing it for myself” but sometimes I’m not really sure if I’m just trying to fool myself into thinking that.
I just wish I could just not care about such irrelevant things that in the end shouldn’t deem me “unworthy” or tarnish my character.
I’ve lost weight again, I’ve dropped another pant size. I don’t know how much I weigh since I don’t go by the scale anymore but my pants are all baggy again and the clothes I bought last month that fit perfectly are all loose now. I still really need to tone up but at least my stomach is less repulsive compared to when I first lost all of my weight. OTL
And yes, my room is messy as hell, LOL.
Outfit #1 for Nana cosplay is pretty much done! Awyeeaaaaa. I just need to hem the jacket (It’s too long, in the picture it looks short just because I used safety pins), get a guitar case, maybe a punk-ish belt… Oh, and I need a plain black racerback shirt.
The next outfit for day 2 I’ll probably do the leather biker jacket, ruffle dress, stockings & platforms.
From 150lbs to 110lbs in 3-4 months.
I’m not going to focus entirely on cutting calories anymore as from now on I’m going to start on toning up my body and getting rid of the extra/loose weight I have left!
115lbs & size 4-5 in pants.
Isn’t it amazing?
A few months ago I was 150lbs and at a size 12-13 in pants. 35lbs gone and I’m down 7-8 pant sizes since the first day of this year. My stomach and thighs are still disgusting though, but hey, I couldn’t get these pants past my thighs a few months ago. Still need to work on it more but regardless, progress is progress!
Soon I’ll have my Summer body~ But for now I really need to tone up.
Life itself is endlessly suffocating.
Anonymous asked: If it means anything to you, I think you're beautiful already, and its sad to hear that you treat yourself so harshly. You push yourself so hard... And when I mean beautiful, I don't mean just outside appearance as in with/without makeup or dyed/undyed hair or body shape. None of those matter so much. I think you're beautiful because you seem so hardworking, care so much, and are sensitive tho those around you. Take care dear<3
Thank you so much~ ;o;♥
Still a long way to go and I still wish to become more and more skinnier.
Apparently going off my anti-depressants has made me suicidal, GG.